Happy Easter

I was slightly chastised the other day, as one of the ladies in my office asked why I had not written much during Lent.  It is because, I am an imperfect human, who sometimes finds it hardest to do what is best for themselves.  Although I thought a lot about my "fears" and "faith", I found it hard to put words to the page.  Plus, I am probably a little rebellious, and ignore what is truly important to me more often than not.

So here I am, Easter Sunday.  How did I do this Lent?  Were my fears conquered?  I wish.  I did learn a few things though that I thought I would share.  All fear is not bad.  Some of it comes from your brain before you even know what is happening.  That is the kind that will give you an awareness of people and surroundings.  That is the kind that will help you stay safe.

I am still very scared of heights, that did not change.   As my husband drove us both home from Yosemite down highway 41 earlier this month, I tried to look out over the expanse of trees around the curves, and it just didn't work.  When I did, I got light headed and my heart started to race, the physical sensation of the fear was so overpowering.  I only really looked once, and then after that kept my eyes on the road through the curves.  It was at that moment though that I realized that I could use what I had experienced.  Even if my fear was not gone, it was something that I could use in writing or storytelling in the future.

I also believe that the emotion of fear can be fed.  When I was young, I loved roller coasters and scary movies.  I watched them all, and because of that I believe that some of the fears that I have today were from seeds planted in my childhood.  Brain pathways and fear memories are all being studied, and while most of the information made my eyes cross, some implied that repeated exposure to fear could cause behavioral changes.  I believe it!!

All that being said, it is Easter Sunday and the season of Lent is over.  While I still have fears, I did set out to conquer fear that had been haunting me for a while.  I need to have a specific conversation, and while it has not happened yet, I do have an appointment for later this week.  God was good, and opened up an opportunity to make this happen.  While I still felt the physical reaction of the fear,  heart racing and hands shaking, first and foremost in my mind was the funny way that God had opened the door.  Since the fear was not the foremost thought in my mind, but God's sense of humor was, I guess it made it easier.  So while this is not the end of the story, I believe I have turned a page in my journey.  I am now taking it in faith that God will continue to make me laugh and see me through till the end of this chapter.