Shalom

Not too ago I was watching a documentary about Israel and my curiosity was peaked when they spoke of Yom HaShoah, also known as Holocaust Remembrance Day.  What I found so amazing about it, is that on that day in Israel, at 10:00 in the morning a siren sounds.  At that time, everything stops.  People driving in their cars stop and get out to stand next to their cars.  Everyone stands, and for two minutes they reflect on the death of six million of their people.  I was amazed, as even here in the United States, it is hard to get people to be quiet for a moment of silence, let alone a whole country doing it for two minutes.

In 2014, the date for Yom HaShoah was April 28th, which was yesterday.  I thought about it in the morning before work, and then again when I got home.  To do my own honoring of the day, I watched a documentary about a school in Tennessee and how they had chosen to teach about diversity.  Since the community is predominantly white and Christian, they chose the Holocaust because the Jewish people were very far removed from most of the people they knew.  They started by learning about the history of what happened, but were stumped by one question.  What does six million look like?  They could not wrap their minds around the astounding number of Jews murdered.  So they decided to collect paperclips to get a sense of what that might look like.  The project lasted a couple of years, and not only did the students learn, but even some of the adults.  I was moved to hear an assistant principal speak of how the project had opened his eyes to his own prejudices.  It was a wonderful story of people coming together, of survivors telling their stories,  of children genuinely learning and how an entire community worked together to set up their own memorial site.  When all was said and done, they had collected in the neighborhood of twenty nine million paper clips.  They had obtained a true German railcar, and brought it to Tennessee to house their collection and in doing so gave people a way to honor family and friends through each tiny paperclip.  

As I watched, I wondered about the unity that the siren brings.  Everyone of one accord, putting something bigger than themselves first.  While it did not go into the details, I was amazed by what this school in Tennessee was able to accomplish.  Really?  They brought a rail car from Germany!  That could not have been cheap, but people were so invested in the project that they were compelled to complete it and do it to the best of their abilities.  When they were finished, the school decided to not only honor the six million Jewish dead, but also the additional estimated five million killed by the Nazi's.  This was made up of various groups of people, including those with disabilities, homosexuals, gypsies, Polish and Soviet civilians and Soviet prisoner's of war.

I pray that today, those who remembered their dead are comforted.  I also ask God to continue to open our eyes and hearts, just like He did in this little town in Tennessee.

Happy Easter

I was slightly chastised the other day, as one of the ladies in my office asked why I had not written much during Lent.  It is because, I am an imperfect human, who sometimes finds it hardest to do what is best for themselves.  Although I thought a lot about my "fears" and "faith", I found it hard to put words to the page.  Plus, I am probably a little rebellious, and ignore what is truly important to me more often than not.

So here I am, Easter Sunday.  How did I do this Lent?  Were my fears conquered?  I wish.  I did learn a few things though that I thought I would share.  All fear is not bad.  Some of it comes from your brain before you even know what is happening.  That is the kind that will give you an awareness of people and surroundings.  That is the kind that will help you stay safe.

I am still very scared of heights, that did not change.   As my husband drove us both home from Yosemite down highway 41 earlier this month, I tried to look out over the expanse of trees around the curves, and it just didn't work.  When I did, I got light headed and my heart started to race, the physical sensation of the fear was so overpowering.  I only really looked once, and then after that kept my eyes on the road through the curves.  It was at that moment though that I realized that I could use what I had experienced.  Even if my fear was not gone, it was something that I could use in writing or storytelling in the future.

I also believe that the emotion of fear can be fed.  When I was young, I loved roller coasters and scary movies.  I watched them all, and because of that I believe that some of the fears that I have today were from seeds planted in my childhood.  Brain pathways and fear memories are all being studied, and while most of the information made my eyes cross, some implied that repeated exposure to fear could cause behavioral changes.  I believe it!!

All that being said, it is Easter Sunday and the season of Lent is over.  While I still have fears, I did set out to conquer fear that had been haunting me for a while.  I need to have a specific conversation, and while it has not happened yet, I do have an appointment for later this week.  God was good, and opened up an opportunity to make this happen.  While I still felt the physical reaction of the fear,  heart racing and hands shaking, first and foremost in my mind was the funny way that God had opened the door.  Since the fear was not the foremost thought in my mind, but God's sense of humor was, I guess it made it easier.  So while this is not the end of the story, I believe I have turned a page in my journey.  I am now taking it in faith that God will continue to make me laugh and see me through till the end of this chapter.

Time Flies...but am I having fun?

Tempus Fugit is a Latin  phrase that I had heard before, but only learned the definition of a few weeks ago.  I was going to write about how that all transpired and what it said to me, but I got bogged down in life and never got it done. I had written a whole blog post about it, but every time I went back to edit it, the words just fell flat.  So today I came back to revisit what I had written, and maybe look at it with fresh eyes.  I think I got so bogged down in writing the post and my inadequacy to put the correct words together, that I forgot to really listen to what God was saying to me in the first place.  

Per Wikipedia the definition is "time flees" or more commonly used, "time flies". It is a latin saying and "as such, it expresses concern that one's limited time is being consumed by nothing in particular or by something which may have little intrinsic substance importance or urgency".  The post I had written was all about the crazy way that God had communicated this information to me, but in my rush to write I ignored the message.   This month though, He is not letting me forget.  This month fear and time have collided.  

There is a conversation I would like to have, but  I had been putting off.   It is something that I feel is the next step in my journey, but I am afraid.  Since I am unable to take that next step, I am frozen in place.  So while I try to debate the soundness of that step, time is fleeing. Time is not waiting for me. It continues to march on, being spent as if it were money. And while I can make more money, I cannot make more time.  So now as I fear that time is fleeing, I also am feeling a new fear.  What are the ramifications of running out of time?  What if I am unable to move from my spot to take that next step?  What will I miss out on?  What will I lose?  

I am not sure what the answers are to thse questions, but one thing I am starting to wonder is what should I fear most?  Those unknown answers, or that next step that has me rooted to the spot.  I am not sure, but I am thinking that time is running out either way. 

Fear Knot

A distressing emotion aroused by impending evil, danger or pain.  I looked up the definition of fear today, because as much as I don't want to admit it, many times I am afraid.  While I know that we all face fears throughout our lives, I believe there are times that my fears rule me.  They are so powerful that they stop me from doing something that I otherwise think is the right thing to do.  So, this being the first day of Lent, I have asked God to work on the fears that debilitate me.  I know that I will never totally get rid of fear in my life, but starting today I am seeking the faith to counteract the fear.

Exodus 14:13
Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again.


   
 

Little Stories

Recently, I was sending an email to our group of preschool volunteers, and I caught myself making one of those statements that sound like they are off a greeting card.  "Through the years the lessons I teach, are also the lessons that God teaches me through."  Although it was kind of goofy sounding, I left it in there because it truly states how God communicates with me.

It started on the last Sunday of the year.  As I sat in church, our pastor was speaking, and he used how they used to draw maps as an illustration.  The map would only be drawn of what was known at the time.  Beyond that, they would note the danger of the unknown by depicting a dragon.  Here Be Dragons was the name of the sermon.  Illustrating that while we do not know what may be in store for the next year, we can be confident in the truth of God's word.   "For God has said, 'I will never fail you.  I will never abandon you.'  So we can say with confidence, 'The Lord is my helper, so I will have no fear" Hebrews 13:5.

As I sat there listening to the sermon, I pondered how it complimented the lesson I would be teaching later that morning.  We were telling the part of the Christmas story where an angel speaks to Joseph and tells him of impending danger.  To keep that from happening, the whole family would travel secretly to Egypt and stay there until the danger had passed.  Now by this time, Joseph had seen a thing or two.  Angels in dreams, pregnant virgins and God's strange handiwork of a young woman and himself as parents.  The bible does not give a lot of detail, but I am thinking at this point Joseph may have had a problem seeing Egypt as a land of "safety".  Wasn't that the place where God had delivered His people from?  I wondered if this is where Joseph starts thinking "here be dragons"?  Egypt was a big unknown for Joseph, and the history from that country was not one that created warm and fuzzy feelings.  Joseph's thoughts are not known on this subject, and I am just taking a little poetic license.  All we do know, is that Joseph did what the angel told him to do.  These lessons intertwined and created for me a message, giving me peace in my uncertainty, and hope for the coming year.

It is amazing to me that God will take a lesson that is very basic, and one that I have taught a hundred times before and make it into something new.  God seeks to speak with us, and He will use any way we allow Him.  Even through the little stories we share with our kids.

Tears of a clown

So as I enter the new year, like many, I was anticipating all the good goals I wanted to attain.  2013 was a pretty good year for our family.  Not perfect mind you, but it was a year where I can say there was growth.  I can remember driving home on New Years Eve,  thinking about all the good things that would happen in the new year, and it was then it hit me.  There is as much probability that some bad things will happen, as there is that good will happen.  It scared me for a moment, I was afraid I would jinx myself.  It was then I knew what I really wanted in the new year, and it was God's presence.  I thought, "if I have that, it doesn't matter what happens, good or bad".

So January 1st arrived, and I spent the day putting away Christmas, and bringing some sanity back to my household.  It was a nice day where I felt like I had accomplished much and was ready for whatever would come next.  Little did I know that by 9:30 that night I would be in the hospital next to my son, who would be drugged up and waiting for  surgery to be scheduled.  He had a hernia that was causing him extreme pain, and so they were going to address it immediately.  Everyone who saw it commented on how large is was, and after a while it became quite the joke.  While we were confident in the people helping us, the surgery was still a scary prospect to a 26 year old who had never been to the emergency room in his life.  Nothing ever broken, no fever ever too high, not one urgent medical situation in his entire life.  Needless to say, we were all a little scared.  We are now home after a couple of days in the hospital, where everything went flawlessly.  We are so thankful for all the people that took good care of us.   From his friend Kevin, to the nursing staff, the surgeon and even the people who came in to take his food order.

At one point during our days in the hospital, my son had some friends come to visit.  He was doing well, but I really didn't like leaving him alone for long.  Since someone was with him, I decided I could go home and pick up the phone I had forgotten.  "Who forgets their phone?"  I also was hoping to relax just a bit, in anticipation of getting him home.  As I drove down the highway from the hospital to my house, I was able to reflect on my New Year's Eve thoughts.  Did I have my New Years eve wish?  In that moment I knew for sure that I had.  How did I know?  You see, I am a crier.  I cry at everything, whether it is happy or sad, commercials, puppies, movies, basically anything.  If I had lived a past life, I would have been one of those women who would be hired to cry at a funeral.  I cry at everything, and as luck would have it, I am not a pretty crier.  During the past couple of days though, I did not cry.  What is really funny is that I should have.  I was in the hospital, my son was in pain, strapped to every machine that they had and I was exhausted.  Sleeping in a hospital chair is not conducive to rest, along with the fact that I am getting up there in age and the body cannot take what it used to.  I should have had bouts of weeping, but I didn't.  I can only remember two times when I teared up for a moment, but that was it, no real tears.  

It got me thinking, was that a sign of God's presence, my lack of tears?  You see, I make the connection between my tears and God's presence because of what I know about heaven.  The bible only gives so much information, but it does say that we will be in God's presence.  Very cool!   The bible also says that there will be no more tears in heaven.   Secretly, that is what I am looking forward to the most.  So should I expect that if God is with me I will never cry again?  I doubt that, but I do believe that God gave me some reassurance this week.  A message for me, in a convoluted way that I would understand.  It has been a crazy beginning to a new year, but I am thankful for His presence so far, and I am counting on it to continue into the future.