Hope and disappointment....

So what did I expect when I chose to forego fear? Would I write words of encouragement? Somthing that would be enlightening, inspirational or make people think. My visions of banishing my fears were quickly dashed as God revealed exactly what we were working on first. It was a hurdle that I was not even expecting. It was a tough week for me. Although I was excited for the first day of Lent to come, I was a little behind at work. On Wednesday night I was able to write my first blog entry and was very happy with the outcome. That should have been my first indication that I would face problems. It is that whole Elijah syndrome. God does something that only He can do, and the next thing you know you are knocked off the mountaintop and spiraling into the valley. The problem was that I had to stay up late to finish writing, and so on Thursday I was going to work on less sleep. Now some people can do that, but I do not live well on limited sleep. I tend to get a headache, or even worse I get cranky. When I say cranky, what I really mean is that I get angry very easily. So now my desk is a disaster area and my mind is not in a good place. I was angered easily, and while I was able to keep the anger from spilling over onto the people around me it ate me alive. How could I work on not being fearful when I was dealing with such anger? Even worse, I could not get my mind past it. As I thought about how I started the week, with such high hopes for Lent, I was so disappointed that I was dealing with this anger and not dealing with my fears. It was then that I thought that maybe it was fear that I was dealing with. Maybe the fear was that I would have to humble myself to those around me. To not expect someone to change to suit me, but to change my own reaction to what happens around me. The fear that comes from putting someone else before yourself, and the risk we take of them taking advantage of that position. Maybe the fear had to do with trusting God to handle the situation and change the person who had angered me, or even worse letting Him change me if I was the problem. All I really knew for sure was that wallowing in my anger was not getting me anywhere. So I decided that I wanted to do what would make the situation better, and the only way I knew to do that would be to forgive any perceived offenses and trust God to make it better. We will see how this week goes. Not much has changed from last week, except that I am getting to bed early and I am trusting God to give me the attitude that I will need.

Out of the box.....

So I got rid of the cardboard box. I didn't want to get rid of the box, but I had no use for it. It was a box that if I still had small kids at home, I would give it to them to play with. It was so large that they could pretend it was a car, train, or even a house. The box was so large even I could fit in it. As I sat in the box, because you know I just had to, I thought of how as kids we could pretend that we were anything. Then we grow up and find out that sometimes it is hard to be that person we want to be. Some things are just out of reach for practical reasons. At 5'6 I never thought that playing in the NBA was going to be in my future. Then there are other things that are out of reach because of my own fears. Truthfully, I am tired of being afraid and not accomplishing the things I want to. So this Lent, and I am going to give up something. What I will be giving up is a little different. I am giving up fear. For the next 40 days I am going to give up the fears that usually hold me back in the way I truly want to live. The way I feel God would want me to live. I am not sure what is going to come my way, but I know that it is not going to be comfortable. What do I fear? More than I could tell you here in a few short sentences. I am looking forward to the next 40 days, as I feel I have a lot to accomplish. Truth be told, I am kind of scared of what kind of decisions I will have to make, but I know that God only challenges me with tasks that make me grow. So here we go....out of the box and into the real world.