Hope and disappointment....

So what did I expect when I chose to forego fear? Would I write words of encouragement? Somthing that would be enlightening, inspirational or make people think. My visions of banishing my fears were quickly dashed as God revealed exactly what we were working on first. It was a hurdle that I was not even expecting. It was a tough week for me. Although I was excited for the first day of Lent to come, I was a little behind at work. On Wednesday night I was able to write my first blog entry and was very happy with the outcome. That should have been my first indication that I would face problems. It is that whole Elijah syndrome. God does something that only He can do, and the next thing you know you are knocked off the mountaintop and spiraling into the valley. The problem was that I had to stay up late to finish writing, and so on Thursday I was going to work on less sleep. Now some people can do that, but I do not live well on limited sleep. I tend to get a headache, or even worse I get cranky. When I say cranky, what I really mean is that I get angry very easily. So now my desk is a disaster area and my mind is not in a good place. I was angered easily, and while I was able to keep the anger from spilling over onto the people around me it ate me alive. How could I work on not being fearful when I was dealing with such anger? Even worse, I could not get my mind past it. As I thought about how I started the week, with such high hopes for Lent, I was so disappointed that I was dealing with this anger and not dealing with my fears. It was then that I thought that maybe it was fear that I was dealing with. Maybe the fear was that I would have to humble myself to those around me. To not expect someone to change to suit me, but to change my own reaction to what happens around me. The fear that comes from putting someone else before yourself, and the risk we take of them taking advantage of that position. Maybe the fear had to do with trusting God to handle the situation and change the person who had angered me, or even worse letting Him change me if I was the problem. All I really knew for sure was that wallowing in my anger was not getting me anywhere. So I decided that I wanted to do what would make the situation better, and the only way I knew to do that would be to forgive any perceived offenses and trust God to make it better. We will see how this week goes. Not much has changed from last week, except that I am getting to bed early and I am trusting God to give me the attitude that I will need.