Saturday, March 7, 2009

The payoff....

I always find it funny when God gives me an "aha" moment. Today was a lovely, spring-like day, so with nothing exciting planned I started cleaning. I have been sick for two weeks, so the house was in need of some care. Truth be told, the state of my home reflects what is going on in my head. When I am confused, depressed or dealing with conflicting feelings, my home tends to be in disarray. God gave me the "aha" moment last year, and let me see the connection. I tend to forget it though on a day to day basis.

So today, I cleaned under our sink. It was bad!! A mouse had visited us last year and I still had not thoroughly cleaned and disinfected that cabinet. Plus, the faucet had leaked so there was a little bit of water there. Everything came out, was inspected to make sure it was good and or usable, then either kept or thrown away.

I knew the cabinet had to be cleaned for a while now, but I had not gotten to it because of the mouse. I knew he was gone, but my fear of mice is so bad that even just cleaning up after him freaked me out. It is just a small phobia I have. I finally was able to do it though because of the payoff. I knew the outcome was going to be good not only for me, but for my family. That kind of mess is not recommended for the kitchen.

The "aha" moment came when God impressed me with the thought that the cabinet was like my life. I know that there are a few things that God would like me to do or change, but I am afraid to get to it. When I cleaned out under the sink, I knew that I would gain a clean cabinet. What is the payoff when I look to de-clutter and clean out my heart? The answer to that is....I don't know.

What I do know is that God is good, and He plans good for me. Many times though, good just doesn't seem to be good enough. Instead of cleaning out what just might be disobedience, I move it to the back of my life and hope I can cover it. The problem is, that never works. The payoff never happens that way. It only happens when I surrender myself to what He is doing. This blog falls into that category. I do not know what is going to happen, but all I know is that obedience is helping me write. What is the ultimate payoff? I don't really know?

What I do know is that after cleaning out that cabinet, I felt a sense of freedom. Like I had shed something that had been holding me back. It is sort of what I feel every night when I hit the publish post button for this blog. I am shedding the things in my past that give me fear, that hold me back. Again, I don't know for what purpose, but I do know that the freedom I felt was intoxicating.....

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